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Dani Ryan over at ScaryMommy.com wrote this brilliant piece about “The Death of Your Sex Life” as a parent. However, a couple of the stages she outlined didn’t really jive with my experience as a practicing Catholic, so I decided to write a version for that kinky part of the population who want to wait until marriage to have sex and who make like hippies and use Natural Family Planning for pregnancy avoidance. I’ve written it from and for the female perspective, but I’m sure that will shed a lot of light (maybe too much light, there should be a dimmer…) for any men out there.

Disclaimer: Obviously this post talks about sex. If you don’t feel like you should be reading it, I trust your judgment to stop right here and go Youtube “babies and puppies” instead. (No, seriously, you need to Youtube that, it’s how I get through everything in life). If you want to read it, by all means, scroll on. But then Youtube “babies and puppies,” because it’s freaking cute.

The Five Stages of Your Sex Life

1. Honeymoon Stage

As a friend of mine once said, “121 more days until I get to have sex, um, I mean, get married.” Yes, the wedding night for the obedient Christian generally indicates that first, awkward, awesome-because-you’re-both-naked but weird-because-you-don’t-know-what-you’re-doing night getting to know each other in the Biblical meaning of the word. Unless you’re practicing NFP and you’re in Phase 2 and trying to avoid pregnancy. Then the wedding night means a game of Scrabble and crazy anticipation for when your chart finally tells you you’re in Phase 3.

2. Plain Old Marriage Stage

Now that you’re married, you’re going to have wild, passionate, Somewhere In Time, crazy sex like every day, (except during Phase 2, again, if you’re avoiding pregnancy, but that will be a piece of cake for good Catholics, right?). And every time is going to be beautiful. You’ll never fart during your marital embrace. You’ll never struggle with how to actually “do it good”. You’ll always orgasm. You’ll never say something stupid or think of your grandparents. Right? Ha!

This is your rookie year. This is when you get to figure it all out and learn the ropes. And it will take months. Several months. But several very fun months.

You may want to take that into consideration before actively trying to move onto the next stage, although many people have gotten pregnant early on and lived to enjoy happy, sex-filled marriages.

3. Pregnancy Stage

Just when you think you’ve figured it all out (or even before you’ve figured it all out), you pee on a stick, and it shows you two blue lines instead of one.

(Or maybe you skipped Stage 2 because you decided to consummate your marriage on your wedding night during Phase 2. More power to you combining Stages 2 and 3!).

Hooray! No more avoiding sex during Phase 2 or having “work” sex during Phase 2, whatever option you were doing (unless you were the lucky, laidback folks who said, “Ah, we’ll just do it when we want and see what happens”). Now you’ll have sex all the time and whenever you want!

Which will be never. Well, okay, we’ll increase that to rarely. While your husband gets excited over that thick, shiny pregnant hair and those bouncy, preggo boobs, you can’t imagine anything you’d rather do less than gyrate any part of your wildly growing torso, especially during the tired, nauseating, first trimester. There’s usually a glorious two or three days during the second trimester that you’re actually excited to get it on, but inevitably your husband will be on a business trip. Come the third trimester, you just won’t be up for the Olympian acrobatics that it takes to navigate an intimate experience with a gigantor belly. But you’ll do it a few times anyway, because you know you might never have sex again after that baby is out (or so it seems).

Let’s not forget the roller coaster of emotions you’re riding, thanks to those wonderful preggo hormones, and how they will make you react–or overreact–to any part of the sexual experience.

There are some rare women out there who actually want to do it more during pregnancy. These are generally the same bitches who never get acne and keep a perfectly clean house and who no one likes.

4) Postpartum Stage

Your doctor tells you that you can’t do the deed for at least 6 weeks (maybe more), and you couldn’t feel more relieved. After my own postpartum check-up, I played with the idea of telling my husband that the doctor told me we’d have to wait another 6 weeks just to buy my sleep-deprived, energy-drained self some more time. Plus, I’m pretty sure the men-folk need some time to recover from the trauma of seeing a small human being distort, tear, and emerge from your once-known-to-be-sexual organ. Then, when you finally decide to “do it”, you realize the doctor was right when he said it might take a while for things to feel normal again. Meanwhile, you stock up on KY.

5) Child-proofing Stage

There are days you wonder if you’ll ever sleep again, let alone have sex again. Thankfully, there’s Grandma’s/Aunty’s/Friend’s house and date night. Things still don’t feel like they used to, and you’re hesitant to take off your bra during the deed lest your boobs (A) hit you in the face or (B) leak all over the place. But you’re getting used to the new circumstances around your horizontal tango. You’re getting used to rushing into the deed because kiddo only naps for half an hour or planning sex for date nights. You’re getting used to foregoing acting on every spontaneous whim. And you feel much more prepared to repeat Stages 3, 4, and 5 all over again with the next kid.

P.S. By that time, Stage 5 will include trying to come up with clever cover-ups to give to your now-older children so they don’t know what you’re up to. My husband and I have decided we’re going to call it “doing our taxes”. Oh, and you will also likely need to be prepared to explain to your child what they just saw when they inevitably walk in on you “doing taxes.”

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Even bunnies do their taxes. A lot.

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